35 Christmas “Crackers” you may have missed


According to Julian Reed, who has been a bon bon joke writer since 1975,

“A good cracker joke should be measured in the volume of the groan rather than whether you laugh or not.”

At Christmas breakfast yesterday, it was like been greeted by an old friend when I popped the old standard with the all too familiar punchline, “In case he got a hole in one”. I think you know the one.

Here are some you may not have rolled the eyes at yesterday……

What did the Policeman say to the stomach?
You’re under a vest

What wobbles and flies?
A Jelly-copter.

What goes ha ha ha clonk?
A man laughing his head off.

What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A sour puss!

What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper.

Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?
Because he couldn’t concentrate.

What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!

What goes up and never comes down?
Your age.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

What do you call a man that plays with leaves?

Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.

On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
The outside.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

What’s ET short for?
Because he’s only got little legs.

Where do Snow-women like to dance?
At Snowballs.

What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!

Who delivers presents to cats?
Santa Paws!

What do you call Father Christmas in the beach?
Sandy Clause!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

How do you stop a skunk smelling?
Hold its nose!

What’s tall and wobbly and stands in the middle of Paris?
The trifle tower!

Which country has the largest appetite?

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws.

How do you make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.

Why did the doughnut seller retire?
He was fed up with the hole business.

What is the best thing about deadly snakes?
They have got poisonality.

What do you get if you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs.

Why did the rocket lose his job?
He was fired.

What did the Alien say to the garden?
Take me to your weeder.

What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire?

Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing.

Why did the bacon laugh?
Because the egg cracked a yolk.


For the history of the cracker click here.

Julian Reed quote from the Mirror.

For these and more, Google “Christmas Cracker jokes”.

Image based on Christian Guther, Christmas crackers, Flickr.


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